SUMMARY COMRADES

Comrades of the Cut Sleeve is the story of Chen Ming, the conservative protagonist and narrator. Ming is born in a small and poor farming hamlet in the hills east of the city of Taiyuan in the People’s Republic of China. During the Cultural Revolution, the family is forced to move into the city to work in a coalmine and steel factory. At school, Ming befriends Wong Yong, the son of a dentist. Ming and Yong develop a homosexual friendship. Influenced by his fear to be arrested for his illegal sexual orientation, Ming forces himself to develop romantic feelings for a three year older girl, Lily, who works as a musician in a local restaurant. Lily is a beautiful, but unusual girl who has a secret. Lily goes missing during a trip to Beijing where she is expected to audition for a musical ensemble. She leaves behind a heartbroken Ming whose investigation as to what happened to Lily remains unsuccesful for decades.

Meanwhile, his school friend Yong moves to Beijing where he is admitted to Beijing University’s Medical Faculty. Helped by Yong’s mother who works for the Communist Party, Ming develops a successful career in the People's Liberation Army . In 1989, Ming is a leading tank commander, fighting demonstrators on Tiananmen Square. After the square has been cleared and public order restored, Ming spearheads a tank column away from the square when a lone student stops the column. This historic moment will change Ming's life dramatically.

At age 26 Ming marries Lin, the daughter of Ming's Regiment Commander. They have one son, Feng. At the age of 15, Feng confides in his father that he wants to become a girl. To the dismay of his wife and extended family, Ming tries to help his son by finding a solution to his problem. He contacts his old friend Dr. Wong Yong in Beijing, now a renowned plastic surgeon. Both men travel to Bangkok in 2009 to learn more about Gender Identity Disorder with the Thai Chinese plastic surgeon Dr. Li Xiao. Before Ming and Yong return to China, Ming is no longer the man he thought he was and his life is turned upside down.

CHAPTER 1

Chapter 1 (5326 words, 400 lines)

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With a bloodied hand pressed against the side of my head, I shakily rose to my feet, panting. Choking back bitter tears of anger, I gazed at the bloody chaos around me that had been created only moments ago. It appeared as if an explosive device had gone off. My surroundings almost looked as chaotic and bloody as a war zone.

I was standing in the living room of my high-rise condominium in downtown Beijing. All over the floor, there were shattered porcelain bowls and jagged shards of glass of all the dinner table settings, and overturned furniture. There were stains of blood everywhere, even on the white washed walls.

Feeling numb and with my mind reeling I saw an old man with severe head injuries lying on his back in a growing puddle of blood near the balcony’s sliding doors. Another bloodstained man was sitting on the sofa, gazing into nothingness. On the floor in front of the day bed sat an old bloodstained woman with an expression of fear and disbelief. A beautiful woman in her early forties sat in an awkward position next to a broken flat screen television surrounded by a mosaic of glass. There were stains of blood on her hands and face. The woman was in pain. She cried and looked at me with contempt. A teenage boy was standing next to me. Dumbstruck, the boy gazed wide-eyed at me. I shifted my gaze at some chairs that had been toppled over, a vase that had gone to pieces and an expensive large painting with a depiction of orange carps that had come off the wall. Strangely enough, the glass in the frame was still intact. On the sideboard on my left, a bloodstained knife lay as if hastily tossed near a large porcelain plate with beautiful untouched desserts.

I could hear wailing sirens approaching our building. Suddenly all my senses came back to me and everything around me became real again. A few minutes later, I let in three uniformed police officers. The moment they saw the bloody scene, they drew their weapons, one scanning the room left, one centre and one right. One officer checked the other rooms in our condo. I could hear him shouting, “clear!” before he returned to the living room.

Two officers briefly checked the condition of the people in the room. As none of us was holding a weapon, all the police could say was, “We only have injured.” One officer kept his gun aimed at me. I told him I had called for an ambulance, not the police. The officer informed me that they had received a phone call of a concerned neighbour who had heard sounds of serious domestic violence coming from our condo. He asked me what had happened.

“We had a family argument that got out of hand.”

“I can see that. Everybody appears to be wounded. What on earth happened? Who injured who?”

“The argument escalated,” I replied. “Everybody was angry at each other.”

“Who injured who?” the officer insisted.

I briefly glanced at my son and took a deep breath. I hesitated. “I couldn’t control myself. It was me who stabbed them.”

My son squeezed my hand. He looked at me, shocked and astonished. Aghast, my son blurted out, “Father! That’s not true!” Suddenly clutching my hand tightly, he turned to the officer. Swallowing nervously, he started to say “Sir! Please, it didn’t happen that way!” but he broke off as a sob choked him. “My father didn’t stab them. My father is innocent.”

The officer looked at me raising an eyebrow. “So please tell me what happened. You know full well I will get to the bottom of this.”

“I am sorry, Officer. My father and my wife attacked me with a knife. I suffered defensive injuries to my arm and scalp. There was a struggle between my relatives. Some were injured as well. I called for a doctor and ambulance.”

“Why did you lie to me?”

I sighed. “I don’t want my family to get into trouble. I don’t want them to go to jail.”

The officer put away his gun and gestured to his colleagues to do the same. The police officer looked me up and down. “I think you should sit down, Sir. There’s a lot of blood coming from your head and arm.”

I looked at my white long sleeved polo shirt that was stained with blood. I sat down on a chair and explained to the police officer that the man in the pool of blood near the sliding doors was my father-in-law, a retired military general. I clarified that he was fully conscious and that he had a head wound, perhaps some other injuries that I hadn’t been able to identify. I continued by pointing at the bloodstained man on the sofa. “That is my father,” I said. “He is not injured as far as I can tell. That blood must be mine.” I pointed at the pretty woman who was sitting awkwardly against the wall. “That’s my wife. She may have broken her wrist.” I looked at the old woman who was sitting on the floor near the day bed. “That is my mother. I think she sustained some flesh wounds when she and my father-in-law tried to protect me.” I looked down at the beautiful boy who was standing next to me. I put my hand on his shoulder. “This is my son, Feng. He’s not injured, Officer.”

The police officer used a walky-talky to check whether ambulances were on their way.

“What is your name, Sir?”

“My name is Chen Ming, Officer.”

“Chen Ming, it appears that your family got themselves into quite a mess. I am surprised that a man your size couldn’t defend himself and needed to be protected by an old man and woman. I also question myself what you and your family were arguing about.”

I cleared my throat. “My wife and I had an argument about our son. The discussion escalated. My father insulted my son and then hit the boy. In response, I pushed my father onto the sofa. I ordered him to take his hands off my son and remain quiet. Unexpectedly, my father picked up a knife and hit my scalp. He dropped the knife onto the floor. There was so much blood in my eyes that for a few moments I could not see what was happening around me. My wife picked up the knife. She started attacking me. She stabbed me in my arm. My mother and father-in-law tried to stop her. My wife tried to stab me again but instead she accidentally stabbed my mother as she tried to push my wife away from me. My father-in-law tried to intervene as well, but the old man lost his balance. He hit his head against the dining table and fell down. Finally, I was able to take the knife away from my wife and forced her onto the ground. I am afraid I may have broken her wrist while I disarmed her. I put the knife on the sideboard. My wife stood up from the floor and then she took her frustrations out on the television and the dishes on the table. I forced her back onto the ground. Then I quickly checked my mother and father-in-law’s wounds. I told them to remain still and that I would call for an ambulance.”

I directed my face to the open front door and was elated to see a man my age dressed in a black overcoat. He was wearing glasses. He held a doctors’ case in his hand.

“Ah, this is Doctor Wong Yong,” I said to the police officer. “He lives in the area. I called him as we’re good friends.”

Wong Yong looked around the room and asked the police permission to check my injured family members and me.

The young officer took a closer look at my face and frowned. Unexpectedly, he said, “I recognize you. Weren’t you involved in training the Snow Wolf Commandos a few years ago? Aren’t you Shifu Chen Ming of the PLA?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Yes, I am.”

The officer’s eyes grew twice as large. “Master Chen. I was one of your Kung Fu trainees.”

I scanned his face more carefully. I now recognised him as one of my former pupils. I had indeed met him before. And it wasn’t just an ordinary meeting. Inwardly, I sighed with relief as it suddenly dawned on me that I was saved from execution.

“Master Chen. You were asked by the People’s Armed Police to train me and my fellow colleagues to perfect our Kung Fu skills prior to the Olympics.”

I nodded. “That is correct. Though I am with the PLA, I was asked for a special mission to train elite forces of the PAP.” I looked deep into his eyes. “And I remember you. Believe me, Officer. I do remember you.”

The officer looked conflicted. He sighed. “I think I need to contact the PLA’s Security Department. If you are a military officer, we are not allowed to take on this case. It should be handled by the People’s Liberation Army.”

“Are you sure about that?” I whispered. “Officer, I don’t think you need to contact the Security Department. I prefer to deal with this situation privately and discreetly.”

“I am sorry, Colonel Chen, but I have to report this incident to your superiors.”

“Officer, I repeat, I can guarantee you that my family and I are able to handle our personal problems ourselves.” I stared at him for a few moments, contemplating. “Apart from that, if I remember correctly, you weren’t the best at Kung Fu in your unit. I gave you a higher mark than you merited, preventing you from being demoted.”

He looked down. “Yes, Master.”

I looked at him intently. “Because I liked you, Officer.” He looked at me. I deepened my voice. “I liked you very much.”

He looked away from me. In the corners of my eyes I could see Wong Yong slowly turning his face to us. The slender but sinewy police officer blushed at the memory and glanced down. He lowered his voice. “Yes, Master, I am well aware of that.”

“Officer, I will ask my friend, Doctor Wong Yong, to help my family, to assist us, to mediate. We don’t need to waste more of our government’s time and energy. Do you agree with me, comrade?”

The police officer hesitated. He briefly glanced at his colleagues who were assisting Wong Yong with tending to my mother and father-in-law. “I guess you’re right, Colonel Chen. We will stay with your family until the ambulances arrive.”

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Fifteen minutes later, my family was taken to hospital by two ambulances. The police appeared to be satisfied with the information I had provided and left my home. I sighed with relief as my wife and father could have received capital punishment for their action.

Wong Yong drove my son and me to the hospital he worked at. My son was sitting in the waiting room next door while Wong Yong cleaned my head wound and sutured the skin with eight stitches. While he tended to my wounds he said, “Chen Ming, I think you have a serious problem.”

I sighed. “I am sure everything will turn out fine.”

“Come on, Ming. Everything will not turn out fine. The situation is beyond your control. Your family tried to kill you, for God sake.”

“I disappointed them. They acted out of frustration. If I apologise they may want to forgive me.”

“Apologise? Asking them to forgive you? Ming! Are you crazy? They tried to kill you. And what for? Just because you are a loving father who wants to help his child?”

“It was a shock to them when I told them about Feng. They disagreed with his way of thinking. They were also disappointed in me because I confessed that I supported Feng. Hopefully my family will calm down. If I handle this correctly and apologise they may want to give Feng and me another chance.”

“O dear, Ming, you are making me so angry,” Yong said. “You don’t need to apologise. You did nothing wrong. Feng did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong about his way of thinking and feeling. It’s your narrow-minded father and your wife who need to apologise to you and your son. There is nothing, nothing wrong with you and your son.”

“There’s more to it.” I looked at Yong and hesitated. I swallowed. “My father told my wife what happened back in 1980. He has told her about our wrong-doings.”

Yong looked at me, astonished.

“She knows, Yong. She knows. My father told her what he saw.”

“Well finally! I am actually happy that she does. Finally your family can stop pretending that everything is okay. It’s not okay. You need to come to terms with that.”

“I love my wife. I can understand why she attacked me. I disappointed her. I was wrong. Everything is wrong about me.”

Yong shook his head, visibly frustrated. “I feel so sorry for you, because your thinking is so incorrect. I don’t know how to make you think differently. I have tried my whole life to get that wrong thinking out of your head, but still… But I know one thing; I am not going to allow your family to kill you. Or your son. I won’t allow it. I won’t allow it.”

I remained silent.

“You have a serious problem, Ming, and you have to do something about it. You’ve been accepting your father’s abuse your entire life. And you just tolerate it, ignore it, apologise to him. You even took that old bastard in your home to take care of him when he was no longer able to do so himself. You are too good of a man. And I hate your father. I hate what he’s been doing to you. And now that son of a bitch is taking his frustrations out on your little boy as well, just because he doesn’t fit your father’s idea of the perfect grandson. And even now you’re so concerned about saving your family’s face. You’re too nice. Your father and your wife belong in jail.”

“I don’t want my wife to go to jail. I don’t care about my father anymore but I do love my wife. She just acted out of frustration. I have disappointed her. I have betrayed her. She has every right to be upset with me. Even a judge would agree with her. If the police would know the full story, they would throw me in jail. A judge would consider me guilty because of who I am.”

“And that is the biggest crime of your government and the bloody law. They condone criminals like your father and your wife and send good people like you to jail.”

“Have it crossed your mind that my family could file a complaint against me?”

Yong sighed. “And that is what frightens me. We can only hope that they won’t. For now I think it is better for you and your son to come and stay at my home in order to make sure that both of you are safe. Feng has been going through a very rough experience. It’s better for him to stay away from your family. My mother can take care of him.”

“Thank you. That would be wonderful. But I am going to solve this problem. I am going to fix it. I am going to fix my family.”

“Just let it go and move on, Ming. It’s time to let go. You and your son deserve better than this. Stop kowtowing to that horrible family of yours. Choose something that feels good. Change your life, exchange the people that hurt you for people who actually love you and care for you and your son. You owe it to Feng. You owe it to yourself. He deserves a life in peace. And so do you.”

Yong looked at my bloodstained sleeve. “I am done with your scalp and need to have a look at your arm.”

I wanted to take off my shirt but Yong stopped me. “No, comrade, it’s safer to cut off your sleeve. I don’t want you to pull your shirt over your head. It may cause more damage to your arm wound.” He took a pair of scissors and started cutting off the long sleeve of my polo shirt. There was a deep flesh wound in my biceps that needed to be sutured.

“Remember that I told you about this famous physician in Bangkok?”

“Your good friend?”

“He knows everything about your son’s type of problem. I have met him and his family many times during my career. His name is Dr. Li Xiao. He is a Chinese Thai. I think we should go and see him.”

I nodded.

When Yong finished the treatment, we both stood up. Standing face to face, he looked up to me and stared deeply into my eyes. For a few moments, we kept staring at each other. So many thoughts went through my mind, so many memories, so many emotions, and so many secrets. This man and I shared such a long history.

Yong grabbed hold of my hands. “I cut your sleeve, comrade.”

I gazed at him for what seemed to be forever. I finally nodded.

“You have to move on, Ming. You have to choose what is right for you and your son. It’s time you start caring about yourself. You too have the right to feel happy. It’s not too late.”

I nodded.

“And you know what, Ming? I deserve better too.” Yong looked deep into my eyes. His eyes appeared to be moist.

I stared at him seriously. “You do deserve better, Wong Yong.”

“Chen Ming, can I ask you something?” Yong looked nervous and tense and there was a tremble in his voice. Suddenly a shiver of compassion and intense camaraderie ran down my spine. I felt my eyes getting moist. Finally, I gave in. “Wong Yong, whatever you are going to ask me…” I choked up. I cleared my throat and swallowed. “Whatever you are going to ask me, my answer will be yes.” I smiled though I felt my facial muscles getting jittery. Yong blinked his eyes a few times rapidly. He nodded and directed his face to the ground. A few moments later, I saw his tears dropping onto the linoleum floor in front of his shoes.

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One month after this horrific evening, I travelled with Yong by taxi to Beijing International Airport. Our final destination: Bangkok, Thailand.

Numerous times, I had been in military aircrafts during my career in the army and flown to remote domestic destinations, but I had never travelled abroad as a tourist with a passport. Yong had more experience than I did, as he had been to Taipei, Bangkok, Singapore and Tokyo a number of times to receive training from surgeons.

The moment the small LCD screen on the headrest in the chair in front of me showed that we had left Chinese airspace and were flying over Laos I felt a little pang of excitement in my heart. When we landed at Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi International Airport a little after 6 pm, I felt both nervous and scared. For the first time in my life, I stood on foreign ground.

The moment we left the building, a hot humid air hit me in the face, making me sweat like a pig within seconds. I took off my blazer. In what appeared to me to be perfect English Yong told the person, who was operating the taxi stand, the name of the hotel and its address. I wasn’t surprised he could speak English that well as he’d been living in Hong Kong for years. I myself could only count to ten and say hello, bye bye, yes, no, shit and fuck in English, but that was about it.

A beautiful Thai girl summoned the first taxi in a queue to drive up to the curb. The driver put our luggage in the trunk of the bright-pink Toyota Camry. We sat down in the back of the car which interior was as cold as a Beijing’s winter day. I quickly put back on my blazer. The driver pressed a button on the electronic metre on the dashboard, showing a starting price of 35 baht.

“Is that expensive?” I asked Yong.

“No, everything in Bangkok is much cheaper than in Beijing. Now relax, Ming, Enjoy this trip.”

I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I looked straight ahead of me and noticed a sticker on the headrest. It was like a warning sign with a red circle and a diagonal stripe. It depicted a squatting animation of a man with a cloud of air coming from his behind. In three languages, including Chinese, it said: no farting. A sticker next to it depicted two animated people in the act of sexual congress with a red strip drawn across them.

I looked at Yong, drew his attention, raised my eyebrows and then directed my eyes at the stickers again.

“Thai humour,” he chuckled.

“So no farting and no sex in taxis huh?”

“Yeah, I need to give you some instructions so you’re not going to make a total idiot of yourself when you’re dealing with Thai people. You don’t want to give Chinese people a bad name in Thailand.”

“I see. And what are those instructions?”

“Don’t pick your nose or ears in public, don’t spit on the street or on the floor in restaurants, don’t fart, don’t make loud noises when you eat, don’t shake hands, don’t say anything negative about Buddhism and always remove your shoes when you go into someone’s house. Don’t step over a person who’s lying on the ground and don’t show anyone or anything the soles of your feet, including Buddha-statues. And don’t compare the Dalai Lama to Adolf Hitler. In Thailand they have different ideas and more accurate information about that man. You don’t want to go to a Thai prison for insulting their beliefs.”

I saw the piercing eyes of the driver looking at me in the rearview mirror. I was wondering if he could understand Chinese.

“The Thais take their religion and their Buddhist leaders very seriously,” Yong said.

The taxi driver looked at me and smiled.

“Always remember that you’re a guest in a foreign country, Ming. So make sure you behave well. That’s an order.”

Again, the driver looked at me and smiled.

“You told me that Thailand was so much freer than China and that I would enjoy it.”

“Provided that you follow my instructions.”

“Yes, you listen your friend,” the taxi driver said in broken Chinese. “Your friend very smart.”

Yong and I looked at each other, surprised. We decided to ignore the driver.

“I am not used to being ordered around, Yong. It’s me who’s normally doing the ordering.”

Yong smiled at me naughtily. “Well, for a change you have to listen to me now. And, by the way, I think your wife has always been wearing the pants at your home.”

I smiled and briefly touched Yong’s hand.

While we drove towards the city centre, I noticed beautiful golden statues every few hundred metres on both sides of the highway. They looked like mystical figures of half-man-half-bird-creatures.

“What are those things?” I asked Yong.

“They are like the national symbol of Thailand. It’s like a holy thing.”

“I see. Can I speak my mind about those statues or will I go to prison?”

Yong laughed. It was nice to see him laugh. The driver had no particular thoughts on the matter and he appeared to be concentrating on avoiding any collision with a variety of vehicles.

Half an hour later, we drove through the city centre of Bangkok, passing two elephants and mostly scooters as well as brightly coloured taxis and tuk tuks. There were skyscrapers on either side of the road, while ahead of me a giant tower appeared into view.

Yong said, “That’s the Baiyoke Sky Tower Hotel. It’s the tallest hotel in South-East Asia. It has 88 floors. It has a revolving observation deck on one of the top floors and a very fine Chinese buffet and a la carte restaurant.”

“Really? I would love to go there one day. I’ve never been in such a high tower.”

“It gets better, Ming. You’ll be eating and sleeping there tonight.”

I directed my face at him. “Really? O, Yong, how fantastic.”

“I knew you would enjoy that. I often stay in this hotel when I’m in Bangkok. It has a very nice view on the city. Sometimes I stay in the State Tower Hotel near the Chao Praya River. Also very high and very beautiful, but Doctor Li’s hospital is located on Sukhumvit Road which is closer to the Baiyoke Tower. Traffic in Bangkok is a horror during the day, so it’s more practical to stay close to the hospital.”

“I see. Well, I am looking forward to meet this famous doctor.”

A few minutes later, the taxi drove up to the entrance of the hotel and Yong paid 350 baht to the driver. A boy carried our luggage inside and guided us to a lift that took us to the 18^th floor where the hotel lobby was located. The lower floors had shops and a parking garage. After we checked in at the reception desk, a person guided us to another set of lifts that took us to our room on the 71^st floor.

The room was luxurious beyond anything I had experienced in my life. There were two double beds, club chairs, a flat screen television and wall-to-wall carpeting. The bathroom was tiled with marble and had a separate shower and bathtub. The view was breathtaking. I looked at Yong who just grinned at me, pleased to see me being impressed. I felt like a child in Shenzhen’s Window on the World.

“Thank you, Yong.”

“I want you to feel a certain way and if you feel that way, I have succeeded, comrade. Brace yourself, because there’s a lot more to come over the next ten days.”

I pulled him towards me and gave him a big hug. “Wong Yong, you are the best. Thank you for helping my son and me. You’re indispensable.”

“You’re welcome, comrade. Are you hungry?”

“I could eat a whole pig.”

“Then let’s freshen up and go to the restaurant.”

Twenty minutes later, we took the lift and went up to the restaurant on the 79^th floor. It had an amazing view on downtown Bangkok. It felt as if I was in an aircraft again. The buffet looked and smelled excellent. They even had Japanese sushi on the left.

Most people in the restaurant were Asians, but I also saw a few white people. A Chinese waiter took us to a table near the windows.

“Do you want to drink beer or shall we go for something fancier, like French red wine?” Yong suggested.

“French red wine? Soldiers drink Tsingtao beer.”

“Well, you’re off-duty right now, soldier, so let’s go for red wine.”

Yong ordered a bottle of red wine. After I took a sip and was able to get my face back under control I could only utter, “Mmm, nice.” I missed a fine glass of ice-cold beer already.

“Nice? You should say that is has a wonderful bouquet and feels like velvet on your tongue. It’s an expensive Bordeaux Pomerol.”

“Sorry, but I am not as cultivated as you are, Doctor. I am just a simple soldier.”

I looked out of the window and sighed.

“What’s wrong? Why are you suddenly looking so worried, Ming?”

“I am a little tense about tomorrow.” I directed my eyes at him. “So what is the plan?”

Yong took a bite of the Peking duck. “Well, first I am going to show you around town and then we’re going to meet Dr. Li Xiao and his family tomorrow evening. He will be working at the hospital until six, but he agreed to meet us for dinner at some restaurant.”

Yong raised his eyebrows and looked at me seriously. “Does that sound good to you?”

“I am a little nervous about meeting Dr. Li.”

Yong lowered his voice so no one could accidentally overhear us. “Dr. Li is the best sex change surgeon in the world, so you’re in good hands with this man.”

“You must understand how life altering this experience will be for my family and me. It’s going to turn our lives upside down. As you know, my family didn’t take the news that well. They just don’t understand how a boy could desire a sex change.”

“I can’t believe you’re still concerned about what your family is thinking about this.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, I also wonder how Feng is going to handle all this. He’s only fifteen and already troubled by such a big problem.” I sighed nervously and stared through the window at the chain of car lights way below me.

“Children are a lot more open-minded and flexible than people our generation. If there is one person who will be able to handle it, it will be Feng. He obviously knows what he wants. We’re just here to get as much information on gender reassignment as possible and I am sure that you and Feng will be able to build a special bond that will enable you to guide him through this process of change. With you, he will have an ally that he can trust. You and your son have something in common apart from the blood that flows through your veins. He’s blessed by receiving your understanding and support. I also want you to enjoy your time in Thailand. This trip is not just about surgery or hormone treatment or transitioning from one gender to another; I want to show you a world that you’ve never seen before; a world that will blow your mind. Your son is expected to make a major change in his life, but so will you. At the end of your journey, you will not be the person that you are today. At least that is what I hope for.”

I grinned. “I don’t know where my son’s desire to be a girl comes from, but I promised to help him. I hope he understands the complexity of gender reassignment. I can hardly comprehend it myself. The idea that this might be the only way to go ahead for Feng fills me with anxiety. But Feng is so unhappy as a boy. If there is one type of dramatic change in a person’s life, it must be a gender change. I want my son to be happy. I want him to be able to choose the life that he thinks can make him happy, even if the road to happiness is a difficult one. I want to give him the possibility to choose. I want him to have what I don’t.”

I looked away from Yong and gazed through the window at the brightly lit skyscrapers. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by emotions. I tried to suppress my tears. “My wife bore me a son and I promised him I am going to support and help him to change into a daughter.” My tears came loose and ran down my cheeks. People sitting at tables close to us glanced at me uncomfortably. I used my napkin to dry my cheeks. “I wonder how we are going to deal with my son’s problem.”

“At least Feng knows who he is and what he wants. He is true to his feelings. I don’t think Feng’s desire to be a girl is the biggest problem your family has.”

I looked up. “It isn’t?”

“No, Chen Ming.” Yong looked at me intently and moved his face a little closer to mine. “Of all problems your family is facing, you are the biggest problem.”